Sunday, March 27, 2011

My Ambie


My Beautiful Ambie.
I haven't posted on my blog for the past 2.5 years because I was dreading writing this entry. I knew I couldn't post anything before I had posted about her death, but the task of talking about her death was too daunting. Now, I am as ready as I will ever be. My Ambie is one of the most beautiful people in the world and as her bipolar increased her sadness of hurting her family increased.
I had always thought that suicide was an act of selfishness. That a person would chose to take their life was because they didn't care enough about the people that they were hurting; that they cared more about themselves. I can't say why everyone dies by suicide but I do know in Amber's case it was of pure love. She always said she would do anything to protect her family, that she would die for them. Well, a few weeks before she died she said that it was like a monster had taken over her body (when she was manic) and that she had no control over herself. She said she refused to stand by and be helpless to the monster she was becoming. She saw how hard it was on everyone and couldn't stand to see herself be the cause of it. Amber did not take her own life; the monster that took over her free agency and that inhabited her body, that monster murdered her. He convinced her that if she truly loved her family she would not make them suffer.
Well, suffer we are, hurting forever, but not because of the way she died, but of how much we miss her. She is an original and one of my best friends forever. I feel her presence quite often and can hear her talking to me and giving me her classic advice, but it's not enough. I want her here with me. Right now and forever.

3 comments:

Unknown said...

Heather,

Beautiful message. I love you.
Brady

Unknown said...

I find random blogs. I hope this comment isn't too forward. I just wanted to thank you.

I wish I had words to say to bring comfort to you for the loss of your sister.

Thank you for posting about her. I don't know you, or her, I don't know the story. I am so sorry she suffered with this horrible disease, I am so sorry you are still suffering from the effects.

It is absolutely amazing that you understand Amber's act was love. I admire you for being able to see that, and thank you for acknowledging the seriousness of her disease. You are an outstanding person, I can see that through this beautiful post.

I survived my suicide attempt. My family won't talk about it. So to see your pain, your longing for her, really helps me see the other side I fail to comprehend.

Your family will be in my prayers tonight.

Hold Me Mommy said...

Thank you Sara for commenting, and yes, I welcome your comments. I am so sorry to hear of your struggle. Depression is a nightmare. I don't have a chronic case of depression, but after my sister died I suddenly knew how she had felt when she was depressed. Nothing in my life matte anymore and all I could feel was the pain inside that overwhelmed me and enveloped every thought and emotion. I truly am sorry for your pain. Hang in there! You can do this. I am available to talk any time. Please email me if you ever want to chat.