Last day of school for Christmas

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> I am just catching up on pictures :)
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Vells at her first dance recital :) This is Amber's little girl. She did fantastic!

Amber and Sean. Amber was giving Beanie his first bottle while Brady and I went out for our anniversary. She was ecstatic!

Amber (11), Amy (8) and Sean (3) Amber always had Seany on her hip. She absolutely adored him so much that mom had to lock Sean's door when he was napping so that she wouldn't go in and wake him up. She always wanted to carry him everywhere :)

More Ambie

Ambie at 12

In L.A. Ambie is 14 in this picture

Ambie is 15 and Amy is 12

Ambie 14 in L.A.

Ambie bodyboarding at 15

My Ambie

My Beautiful Ambie.

I haven't posted on my blog for the past 2.5 years because I was dreading writing this entry. I knew I couldn't post anything before I had posted about her death, but the task of talking about her death was too daunting. Now, I am as ready as I will ever be. My Ambie is one of the most beautiful people in the world and as her bipolar increased her sadness of hurting her family increased.

I had always thought that suicide was an act of selfishness. That a person would chose to take their life was because they didn't care enough about the people that they were hurting; that they cared more about themselves. I can't say why everyone dies by suicide but I do know in Amber's case it was of pure love. She always said she would do anything to protect her family, that she would die for them. Well, a few weeks before she died she said that it was like a monster had taken over her body (when she was manic) and that she had no control over herself. She said she refused to stand by and be helpless to the monster she was becoming. She saw how hard it was on everyone and couldn't stand to see herself be the cause of it. Amber did not take her own life; the monster that took over her free agency and that inhabited her body, that monster murdered her. He convinced her that if she truly loved her family she would not make them suffer.

Well, suffer we are, hurting forever, but not because of the way she died, but of how much we miss her. She is an original and one of my best friends forever. I feel her presence quite often and can hear her talking to me and giving me her classic advice, but it's not enough. I want her here with me. Right now and forever.